I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
