i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
