You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
