nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
