I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
