I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
