I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
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