I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
