I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
