I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
