well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Randomize
