You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
