Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
