I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
