my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Drunk is a universal language darling
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
