if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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