I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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