I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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