who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
