I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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