im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
