Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
