I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
