he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
it was like eating out sand paper
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
