Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
