I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
