If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
