He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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