Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
