just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
