Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
