Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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