i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
