so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Mom said you looked used
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
