Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Randomize
