It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
