i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
