I am midnight drunk by noon
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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