i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
