highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
