I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Randomize
