you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
