The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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