i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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