i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
