508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
