I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
