it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
