I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
