stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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