i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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